Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
can u get pink eye on your cock?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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