Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
did you just send me my own nude
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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