genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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