I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
