I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
