Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
