Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
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After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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