Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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