A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Randomize
