my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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