I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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