I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
