I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
