So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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