Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
