Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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