I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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