using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
