Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
