Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
