Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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