at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
