i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
