oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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