I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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