Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
