i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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