you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
