I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
