Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
