Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
