You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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