people are starting to question the shark bite story
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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