Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
