apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
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i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
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The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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