You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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