Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
