I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
