She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
A+ Viking dick
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
