at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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