We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
