I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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