so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
