she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
