: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
