Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
