I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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