textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
