I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
