Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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