I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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