Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
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