LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
