Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
