you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
